Iyanla Helps a Woman Heal After a Dysfunctional 9-Year Relationship | Iyanla: Fix My Life | OWN


– You got a question? WOMAN: Yes. All right. So denial– believing that you– I. WOMAN: I. Own it. Was in a
relationship that was– [YELLING] Come on, now. Break it down. Girl, go for it. Believing that you were in
a relationship that was– For nine years that was
great, and it really wasn’t. But when did you
know it wasn’t? When did you know?
– I didn’t know it. I know.
Year two. Year four.
Year– I knew it in the
maybe second year. What were you in
denial about, baby? Maybe love and just
wanted some attention. No, no, no, no. I can’t leave you in your head
without adult supervision. [LAUGHTER] Right now, you’re
trying to figure it out. Take a breath. Because remember I said
earlier, we don’t do anything that we don’t benefit from. So take a breath. OK, close your eyelids. And repeat this and complete it. The reason– WOMAN: The reason– –I stayed WOMAN: –I stayed– –in the relationship– WOMAN: –in the relationship– –for so long–
WOMAN: –for so long– –is– WOMAN: –is– IYANLA: Right there. What was that? WOMAN: Comfort. Security.
– Yeah. OK, take a breath. Let’s go deeper. No, no. You’re sucking air in your nose. In your nose and
press the belly out. The reason– WOMAN: The reason– –I stayed– –I stayed– –in a dysfunctional
relationship– yeah, that’s OK.
Leave her. Don’t touch her.
Don’t touch her. She can handle it. She stayed for nine years’ hell. [LAUGHTER] You know, you’re
patting her on her butt. She out now. [LAUGHTER] She can handle it. Well, that’s what we do. When somebody else’s pain
makes us uncomfortable, we reach out to them. Let her cry. It ain’t the first time. Come on. –dysfunctional relationship– IYANLA: –so long–
WOMAN: –so long– –is– WOMAN: –is I was in denial. Now, you practice that one. OK, so let me– now, I’ve got– do you want
the red pill or the blue pill? [LAUGHTER] I’ll give you whichever
one you want, baby. You want a red, we’ll stop. You want the blue,
you want to heal. I want to heal. OK. The reason– The reason– IYANLA: –it was so easy– –it was so easy– IYANLA: –for me– –for me– IYANLA: –to dishonor myself– –to dishonor myself– IYANLA: –is– –is– Right there. What’s that? Breathe. Come on. What was that? –it was comfortable. IYANLA: Yeah, it was familiar. So it isn’t really about knowing
that the relationship wasn’t functional or good for you. It’s also about how
you participated in dishonoring yourself. And what is the
one thing that you told yourself in
that relationship that helped you to stay there? It was going to get better. IYANLA: Yeah. But when did you know
that wasn’t true? Many years ago. IYANLA: Yeah. And how long were
you willing to wait? Forever. IYANLA: Yeah. And look how– that’s
what dishonors you. The minute you accept less than
who you are, you accommodated. That’s accommodating crazy. What was the fear? Of being alone. IYANLA: Yeah. Good for you. [APPLAUSE] But here’s the
thing for all of you people that’s
afraid to be alone. If you don’t want to be with
you, why you think anybody else want to be with you? [LAUGHTER] Why do you think somebody
else wants to be with you? And you don’t even want
to be with your dern self. So understand if you
don’t want to be with you and this is what you
got, it can’t be much. What was the biggest
lesson you learned? That self care
is more important. IYANLA: Yes. Thank you, baby.

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100 thoughts on “Iyanla Helps a Woman Heal After a Dysfunctional 9-Year Relationship | Iyanla: Fix My Life | OWN”

  1. Monique Johnson says:

    iyanla looks beautiful…AWESOME healing words

  2. Albert Dankwa says:

    I dishonored myself as well. Never again

  3. Looto Kay says:

    Let her cry, it ain't the first time.😂😂😂. Inyanla i'm in South Africa but am still going to meet you one day.

  4. V STARKs says:

    I love being with me!!!

  5. Angel diamond says:

    I love iyanla so much! Such an amazing person!!

  6. Crissy CeCe says:

    She needs to come to Miami Gardens ASAP!

  7. Loveystar78 cloud says:

    I have been where this woman has been. In a relationship, and trying to convince my self that I loved him when I really stayed with him because I didn't love my self. That was a hard pill to swallow for me, but I had to just go ahead and had to admit it. It FREED me!! I gained perspective and clarity, and because I finally got real with myself I was able to heal.

  8. Rosalia Lekganyane says:

    When somebody else's pain makes us uncomfortable we reach out to them"

  9. honeybrown1536 says:

    I cry every time she speak cause she hits home

  10. bnirtlepmc says:

    Angel honestly

  11. Denova Clarke says:

    OMG! She dose it every time. Light-bulb!!!

  12. Solja88 says:

    Ohhhhh I learnt today. If you don’t want to be with you , why would anyone else. Hmmmmm.

  13. Monique Pope says:

    I'm making it my business to see Aunty IYANLA VANZANT when she comes back to NYC😘😘💕💕💕💕💕

  14. L Henry says:

    I took from that!!!

  15. Tshepo Masemola says:

    Iyanla is a superhero. I am done.

  16. Rob Canz says:

    "Accommodating Crazy"

  17. carla ward says:

    I swear I wish I could talk with you face to face!!! Fo my family n MYSELF!!! I watch your show Iyanla Vanzant fix my life… Yet when I watch I sometimes find yet another key thing that's so familiar in my own life and I apply it to myself and or my family (mentally) and once I see what lies before me I then know how to deal (how to move) and I feel better.
    I'm a work in progress! But I want to say thank you for what you've helped equip me with in order to be able to work on me (I have to fix me before I can fix anything else) and you've never once meet me. Thank you 💞😉

  18. Aashia Truly Blessed says:

    Iyanla is working in her ministry.

  19. Mz Dee says:

    Self-Care is MORE important…yeesss you go Sis!👏🏽👏🏽😏

  20. Mentor Shelly says:

    Powerful! 🤗😍

  21. Chala Hannon says:

    “We don’t do anything we don’t benefit from.” -Auntie

  22. Tiffaney Cunningham says:

    YAAASSS Iyanla gets you TAHGETHA MKAY! i love her

  23. Kayla Monai says:

    This thing had me crying

  24. Carmela Pattillo Anuli Mokoroto says:

    That was so good! I met her once years ago. She is so humble. She helped me heal in many, many ways. She is truly an inspiration.

  25. Gary M says:

    What an amazing lady. From great trauma comes answers

  26. Free And Blessed says:

    So many Black Women stay in these no good, going no where fast relationships, tryna "Make It Last Forever" like that Keith Sweat song.
    I am happy this beautiful woman owned her ish, and left that mess.
    I have had my share of doing this too. No self righteous attitude here. I knew no better, so I didn't do better. I know the Truth and have been set free indeed.

  27. MzSherry Pettye says:

    Yes, she's helping us!

  28. Wyteria Wilson says:

    This truly helped me. I may have not experienced what most women have endured but there are some battles I am fighting through.

  29. Robert Gray says:

    I love how Iyanla makes women own their situation, faults and lives……………………its something most men and women don't get at home. Its like living on a planet full of children now days!

  30. KAMI says:

    Iyanla. PERIOD

  31. Mango Pedicure says:

    Momma IV its me your son from 94. Wussup with a man room like this⚠⚠⚠

  32. otty rups says:

    Amazing !!!

  33. King Mojo says:

    Damn I just thought about it…We gotta wait like 2 years to get the Jussie Smollett Fix My Life episode

  34. Fé Avouglan says:

    Iyanla forever!!!!!!

  35. Mya Asmr says:

    I want her to go on tour!

  36. omsoul says:

    who has been dressing Auntie Iya-ya lately?! 🙌🏾🙌🏾

  37. Ashanti Zulu says:

    I LOVE HER.. I Really Do 🙏🏿

  38. Andrei Scholz says:

    The number 9 signifies gentle endings and new beginnings.

  39. S Thunda says:

    Is this The Apollo?

  40. JUST JUIC3 says:

    So this isn’t a full video

  41. T P says:

    Iyanla is something else man. what an incredible woman

  42. Sade_Ashley says:

    Wow, that was amazing!! Thank you Iyanla and the woman who was brave enough to share so we could all learn.

  43. Reliable Pathology says:

    so inspiring

  44. Anthea Peter says:

    Damn. I need the whole video.

  45. Foreverlove Green says:

    Can sooooomebody give me a link to this full video, PLEEEASE!!!

  46. fishygal53 says:

    I cant let go. I think hes the best for me. Even tho he cheated on me and i found out i was still stuck at that time zone when i found out. And then everytime one of us wants to leave , either of us grasp the relationship to hang on still

  47. Moe Sahoj says:

    Iyanla changed my life forever. Thank you for everything you do ❤️❤️

  48. Peach Glow Reyah says:

    that made me cry, i love her compassion

  49. Sur Jeudi says:

    I need to send this to my mother. She's STILL in denial.

  50. Mpume Phakathi says:

    Iyanla is such a breadth of fresh air….

  51. Nae Nae says:

    I love her

  52. Akeba Berrien says:


  53. Dawn Mcneil says:

    She’s amazing!! And she is slaying in that outfit 🙌🏾

  54. braceface 1514 says:

    this woman is more than a human. she’s a angel on earth.

  55. Kimberly Harris says:

    where the entire video. I hate when it's hard to find.

  56. Sarah Hayes says:

    Is it just me or how Ms. V says “baby” is so comforting

  57. J E says:

    SO TRUE!! The minute I started feeling ok with myself and being single for the rest of my life, was when I met my husband of now 20 yrs. A man who showed me respect, love, patience which helped me see the world in a different way. LADIES, LISTEN UP. WE DESERVE THE BEST!

  58. Crystal Lee says:

    Damn this was GOOD!

  59. Girl Bye says:

    This needs a love button..

    I hit

    Hit again

    And again


  60. Sarah Johnson says:

    YAS! If you don’t want to be with you, why do you think anyone else wants to be with you? Powerful stuff. I had a friend that couldn’t stand being alone. Couldn’t explain why either. I had her over all the time because she played the victim card really well. Then I started seeing through it all. Stopped having her over. When she was over, she was always on her phone anyways. Not remotely present. Decided I would rather hang out with myself in peace. She started dating a guy that was obviously using her and I saw it so early on. She refused to see it. Even though he had dumped her 3 times by text already. She wasted nearly 2 years on him. He dumped her again by text.

    We all need to know our worth. Know ourselves. Know what we deserve.

    I realized I befriended her because I felt sorry for her. I’m never doing that again. She constantly lied and would back track when caught and would never apologize. I told her she needs help. We are no longer friends.

    I’ve had a very peaceful 7 months.

    Don’t tolerate what you don’t need, want or deserve.

  61. Asia Sinclair says:

    I need to free myself

  62. taylormontega says:

    I needed to see this !!!!

  63. Scheena Farmer says:

    We make the mistake in choosing our mates just because of "the fear of being alone" then we stay knowing that we chose wrong. Give yourself a break and start living your truth so that you know it when you see it.

  64. LaTresha Johnson says:

    I can relate it’s okay girl ❤️

  65. Audrey F. says:

    I love her! First time watching Iyanla and wow!

  66. Tiffany Johnson says:

    Soooo true! If you don't want to be with you what makes you think somebody else would like too! LOL

  67. Keisha Martin says:

    You saw the young lady at 2:28? Something touched her so deep……it hurt. Fear of loneliness…it's why we keep getting hurt and staying hurt ☹️

  68. Medusa Torrez says:

    Thank you ! Iyanla

  69. Tanyka Moore says:

    I needed this!

  70. Pimmy11 says:

    Because I thought that if I found the right words, the right actions, some magical intangible…. they'd wake up to understanding how their behavior was sick and they'd treat me better; like behavior displayed at the beginning. Now I know all that was fake. If the truth was a life jacket, they'd still drown.

  71. Her Sinatra says:

    I've spent years of accepting I wasn't good enough for true love.

  72. Kimberly Arnold says:

    Thank you Lord for opening my eyes

  73. standrew says:

    This is so deep! That fear of being alone can be such a cancer in one's heart.

  74. Doody C. says:

    She just helped me

  75. Diaryofamommy says:

    @ 3:09 dude was asleep/resting in the background. How can you sleep with such a great speaker?!

  76. LOVE business says:


  77. Shawn Williams says:


  78. Michelle McKay says:

    Wendy Williams needs this type of healing, and myself

  79. Hyun Joo Kim says:

    She is truly my biggest teacher. You cannot get more Authentic than Iyanla!💯💜💜💜

  80. MW 7 says:

    I found the greatest love inside of me. Thank you God. It was never your fault. You warned me and I ignored you for 12 years and then had the audacity to blame and accuse you of abandonment. Thank you for forgiving, loving, blessing and restoring the days of my youth anyway! 🙏❤️


    I needed this

  82. you6382tube says:

    Excellent teaching here. Iyanla — you showed everyone the process. This is golden.

  83. Tericia says:

    If you don't want to be with YOU why do you think anybody wanna be with you. That's deep.

  84. Krystle Grayson says:

    I needed this a lot more than I realized. Iyanla helped both of us heal.

  85. Rashida Hankins says:

    Is that right

  86. Christine Rosemond says:

    Iyanla did good here.

  87. Jodie Herscheid says:

    Self Care is more Important!!!!! Yes!!!❤️

  88. Nina Nina says:

    Iyanla beautiful woman 🤗🥰💖

  89. Nompumelelo Mahlangu says:

    I also relate to her…

  90. Queenly Queenly says:

    I so need this right now

  91. Nina R says:

    So powerful!

  92. serious says:

    We need this so much.

  93. Rob Clark says:

    But what we really wanna know is was she with a female or a male tho?

  94. Taliba Imhotep says:

    “The reason it was so easy for me to dishonor myself is…”#POWERFUL


    My god she tore me up & I’m the one on YouTube watching this , Iyanla , you’re truly doing gods work by healing us ❤️‼️

  96. Sarah Dixon says:

    Love this woman but really what IS she wearing??
    Any ideas?

  97. Kyle O. says:

    Love yourself first.

  98. Rhonda Heggs says:

    I’m so glad she freed her self it happens

  99. April Glasgow says:

    Tears. Iyanla fix my life, PLEASE!

  100. Antoine Watts says:

    You gotta nice figure iyanla. Love you. I'm fully single.

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