So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show


If you were keeping up
with the news today, you probably know that it was,
uh, more chaotic than Free Cocaine Day
at Dave & Buster’s. And, personally,
I’m disappointed, because we had
a whole show planned, and it was gonna be
a great show. You know? We figured out
who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but we had
to throw it all out the window because there was so much
breaking news, too much news, in fact. Luckily, though, too much news
is just the right amount of news for a segment we call
Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) If you’re friends
with a government ethics expert and you’re wondering why
their head randomly exploded into little pieces today, it’s probably because
they saw this. President Trump is hosting
a major meeting of world leaders next year at his Miami area
resort and golf property. Next year’s G7 summit
will take place at the Trump National Doral
in Miami. The move is raising questions
about whether hosting this large event at one
of the president’s businesses is a violation of ethics rules. Wow. That is crazy. The president is making
world leaders hold a giant event at his own resort? Like, it really seems
like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do
to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you
he’s gonna be outside his own impeachment trial,
just scalping tickets. He’s gonna be standing outside
there. He’s like, “Tickets, tickets. “Who needs tickets
to my impeachment? “You want some tickets?
Best seats in the house. Come on, y’all.
Right next to me.” And also,
if I was a world leader, I wouldn’t want
to stay at Trump’s resort. I don’t trust him.
I don’t trust him. Like, Trump would probably sneak
into your room to try and find dirt
on Joe Biden. Yeah. He’d just be, like, at the door,
like, “Housekeeping! “Oh, did someone leave
these files on the floor? I’ll get rid of it for you!
Basura. Basura.” (laughter) Now, on a normal day
in a normal presidency, we would spend all our time
talking about how shady it is that Trump is forcing world
leaders to host the G-7 Summit at his golf club
that he makes money from, especially considering
how he always brags about how he doesn’t profit
from the presidency. But today’s not a normal day, and this is not
a normal presidency, because while
he’s inviting foreign leaders to his Miami golf club, American leaders are
storming out of the White House. MAN:
Shortly after a House vote where more than 100 Republicans
joined Democrats condemning the president’s abrupt withdrawal
of U.S. troops from Syria, a heated confrontation
inside the White House. That clash between President
Trump and top Democrats spilling out onto the steps
of the West Wing. I pray for the president
all the time. I think now
we have to pray for his health, because this was
a very serious meltdown on the part of the president. MAN: President Trump hitting
back, accusing Democrats of storming out,
using the same language as Pelosi against her,
tweeting, “She had a total meltdown
in the White House today. “It was very sad to watch.
Pray for her. She is a very sick person.” -(audience groans)
-Aah. Okay. I know you are,
but what am I? (laughter) I like how
when Trump is insulted, he just steals that insult
verbatim with zero shame. Like, maybe
this is how you trick him into getting out
of the White House. You just be like,
“I’m sick of you! I resign.” “No, I’m sick of you. I resign. Aah! Damn it. No.
Wait, wait, wait.” (applause and cheering) Also… also, it’s funny
how they’re fighting, but they both say they’re gonna
pray for each other. You know what they remind me of? They remind me
of those old church ladies who act really nice in public, but then,
pray-insult each other. They’ll be like, “Dear Lord,
please give me the strength “not to whack this fool
up side the head. “And if I did, Jesus, please
give this woman some sense before I whip her ass
like the father she never had!” (laughter) Now when the day started,
it seemed like we were gonna spend all our time
talking about the beef between Trump and the Democrats,
but we didn’t have time to talk about the beef, because then news broke
about the Turkey. MAN:
Breaking news in Turkey. The United States says
it has helped to broker a five-day cease-fire involving Turkish forces
in Northern Syria. Vice President Mike Pence
making that announcement today after meeting with Turkish
president Recep Erdogan. MAN 2: Today in Texas, President
Trump called the cease-fire, “an amazing outcome.” The Kurds are very happy,
Turkey is very happy, the United States is very happy. And you know what? Civilization is very happy. It’s a great thing
for civilization. Yes, civilization is very happy. Centuries from now,
historians will look back at the greatest achievements
of all time– the development of democracy,
the invention of electricity and the time Trump negotiated
a really short cease-fire in a war
that he basically started. Ah, yes,
what a great achievement! (applause and cheering) It’s civilization. And you know what?
If we had the time, we would be discussing
how disingenuous it is of Trump to claim
that this is a peace deal when, in fact,
the Kurds just got screwed over, because the deal is
that they have five days to leave the land,
and then Turkey gets the land. That’s the deal. Yeah.
Doesn’t sound like a deal. Sounds like the kind of deal
I had with my high school bully. I would give him my lunch money, and he would give me
a black eye. Win, win. Yeah. But unfortunately, we don’t have
the time to talk about that. Because while Turkey is getting
the Kurds out of Syria, the Democrats are trying to get
Trump out of the White House. And today, the latest witness
in the impeachment inquiry was dropping bombs like
he was invading the Middle East. In the impeachment inquiry,
Gordon Sondland is a key witness. In his opening statement,
he said President Trump told
U.S. officials to talk directly to his personal lawyer
Rudy Giuliani about U.S. policy in Ukraine. And he said
he didn’t know until later that Giuliani’s agenda included pushing Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden. And he says
that throughout this time, he was working
to-to get Ukraine to advance an investigation
into corruption, into Burisma. He had no idea
that that meant Joe Biden. He had no idea
that that meant Hunter Biden. (laughing):
Oh. Oh, this is slick from Sondland. He’s now saying that he did
put pressure on Ukraine, but he didn’t know it had
anything to do with Joe Biden. You see what he’s doing. He’s trying to distance himself
from what Trump did. Yeah, he’s basically like, “I didn’t know
it was a bank robbery, guys. “I just went in with my friends,
I gave the bank teller a note, and they gave me the money.” It’s like, “Really? You didn’t
know it was a robbery? Then why were you wearing
a mask?” “I just thought
we were all cold! I thought we were all cold!” I honestly wish we had more time to go through Ambassador
Sondland’s full testimony, because he had a lot to say. But Mick Mulvaney,
Trump’s chief of staff, and Excel spreadsheet
came to life– he came out, and he held
a surprise press conference, and shocked everyone
in the room. We’re following breaking news. A truly stunning admission
from the White House. Acting chief of staff
Mick Mulvaney directly contradicting
President Trump on a quid pro quo with Ukraine, saying hundreds of millions
of dollars in U.S. military aid was tied to an investigation of Democrats
in the 2016 election. MAN: So the demand for an
investigation into the Democrats -was part of the reason that
he ordered… -It was on the… …to withhold funding
to Ukraine? The-the look back
to what happened in 2016 certainly was-was part
of the thing that he was worried about
in corruption with that nation. -And that is absolutely
appropriate. -Withholding the… MAN: What you just described
is a quid pro quo. We do that all the time
with foreign policy. And I have news for everybody.
Get over it. There’s going to be political
influence in foreign policy. Okay, hold up. Hold up. Trump has said
on multiple occasions, “No quid pro quo of any kind.” Now, middle-aged Harry Potter
is coming out saying that there was a certain type
of quid pro quo, but everyone must get over it? That’s it? Just get over it?
Everybody does it? So this is, what–
locker room corruption? Is that what this is? And I’m not gonna lie. This is
a twist I didn’t see coming. Yeah. It’s like the murder
suspect in a Law & Order episode confessing
in the middle of the… just, like,
in the middle of the scene. Just being like, “Yeah,
I committed the double homicide, “but the real question here is, “are you gonna be a little bitch
about it? Huh? “The person is dead.
Ain’t nothing gonna change. Now we gonna eat them or not?
What are we doing?” (applause) So in 24 hours, in 24 hours, we had Trump hosting the G-7
at his golf club, Turkey getting the greatest deal
of all time, no quid pro quo,
but also quid pro quo, a showdown in the White House, and we but didn’t even have time
to tell you that Rick Perry, who is tied
to the whole Ukraine scandal, abruptly resigned today.
And you know what? This might be the true genius
of Donald Trump. ‘Cause you realize
with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day… ain’t nobody got time for that.

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100 thoughts on “So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show”

  1. Piet Pompies says:

    Trevor you're a Hypocrate and really no longer funny! Such a disappointment! As a South African whom scraped and saved to view your shows when you were a South African and at the time actually funny – so sad to see you've been bought by the liberal left to promote their false narrative and to promote fake news. F.U.

  2. Critter says:

    Trevor Noah is the BEST! He's always on top of politics and world events.

  3. NINJA MAN says:


  4. Khadija Ouhdine says:

    Mom lhth c

  5. HoshiReed says:

    Doral has BED BUGS.

  6. Ásgeir Loftsson says:

    What accent is this

  7. michael mcinnis says:

    This guy is not funny at all I saw him live it was not good not one laugh he trys but does not have enough intelligence very sad

  8. Dwight B says:

    Trump operates on the Bed of Nails theory of politics. If you step on a nail it goes through your foot but you can walk across a bed of nails. He does something that would end a normal politician. Then he follows it up with something even worse and on and on. Eventually, you have so many crazy things that you forget about the previous 100 stupid things. Grabbing pussies, firing James Comey, making a "deal" with Kim-Jong Un, bringing Russians into the Oval Office and blocking the press from coming in, making money off the American taxpayers… the list goes on and on. After a while you get numb. We cannot get numb. He HAS TO GO before the US is no longer relevant.

  9. Dennis thefreethinker says:

    Hahaha. USA news is hilarious to watch with such a clown for president.

  10. Joseph Ware says:

    I said it tax payer money….fallow the money

  11. Milan Gligorić says:

    Trevor is a really talented comedian; too bad he didn't choose to be a truth teller but a neoliberal asset.

  12. Mrinmoy Gogoi says:


  13. Terrance Fields says:

    The Daily Gobshyte Show served up by a cheeky quick mouthed kaffir with his mouth in gear spewin shit like a goose with the runs. Fuck you candy ass pussy traitors.

  14. Arnie Calang says:

    Basura basura!!! Hahahaha

  15. sam sayre says:

    "Civilization is very happy" – uhm, did you bother to ask a single Syrian about this? Ukraine? Venezuelan? some vet dying of opioids and PTS in South Carolina? Why even ask this question, he's out of his mind. That is the absolutely the stupidest and most non-presidential quote of any any modern president, probably any president, maybe person as well, I've ever heard. Read a book Don, anything by now: Chronicles Of Narnia, Carl Sagan's Cosmos, Man's Search For Meaning, hell, a history text book from 1997. Just learn the english language and leave. You bring me nostalgia for Bill and George Jr, two of my least favorite presidents of my time.

  16. Katherin Siles says:

    What a shit show

  17. Raul Martinez says:

    We all know that if obama was the one in this scandal…..well you know the whole color thing makes white people get away with everything.

  18. Raul Martinez says:

    I taught we the mexicans were the criminals, thats why he won because of all the closet racist in america, everybody knows a handfull of these ppl at work, school, church…etc

  19. lisa houk says:


  20. Tasha Vladimiroff says:

    Trump is such a master gaslighter

  21. R Painter says:

    The presidency isn't for the president to make profits – but then we must consider the source.

  22. Dave Wilson says:

    Trump represents a good portion of this country, perfectly. THAT is the problem ! THAT is what scares the hell out of me. We can all point the finger at the unhinged monster at the helm,.. ,.. but the reality is,.. the ignorance is all around us,.. and it's growing by the day.

  23. Gammunist / - says:

    In a multiplayer like CS:GO, Insurgency, Day of Infamy, Red Orchestra 2, Overwatch… Trump would call everybody a cheater while it would be him using wall-, aim-, location- and speedhacks.

  24. Sandra Becht says:

    Trump 2020 – sure thing. Never mind the Haters

  25. Matthew Hall says:

    Hahaha middle aged Harry Potter

  26. Jayden White says:

    While I WOULD say he's the worst President,
    We've had some awful ones in the history books.

  27. Jayden White says:

    I was a little confused at the eating a dead guy joke because I missed the fact they said it was SVU! 😂😂😂

  28. Mirror of Society says:

    funny to read all those trumpsterposts here. not a single one with a real part of critizism. all repeat the same stupid mantra.

  29. Yuet Chu says:

    purple tie on a brown person? hmm….

  30. Scotty D 5150 says:

    This is the longest comedy show ever. I can't believe he was voted into office. Was a joke before and still a joke. Shame on the Americans who voted this sicko into office.

  31. kurdish prince says:

    cease fire did not hold. it did not even last a few hours while they claimed 5 days

  32. R Feyman says:

    "If you are keeping up with the news…" I immediately burst out laughing hysterically. 45 is probably responsible for a considerable amount of lost productivity in the USA. Hell our company is now blocking news sites and has banned people from having their cell phones on.

  33. Jeannie Davis says:

    TRUMP 2020 well done.

  34. Bob Marley says:

    Good or bad Tramp is our president. I voted for him not because I admire him so much but because the alternative was even worse. And it is still worse.

  35. YouTube Moderator says:

    Bill Clinton visited Putin at Putin's summer home and got a half million dollar bribe. Then his crazy wife says Trump is a Russian LOL!

  36. Valerie Shutiva says:

    AKA: the name of the author "resistance" is Pierre dennison. Brother to David dennison, aka djts. Lmao

  37. craig storey says:

    2020 is in the bag for Trump thanks to people like Trevor Noah.

  38. Kirubel Ayni says:

    Civilization: I hate to say it — I hope I don't sound ridiculous — I don't know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street, I wouldn't…I wouldn't know a thing."

  39. Bookiesgranny 1913 says:

    Open mouth- insert foot!

  40. zozidedo do says:

    heard the the American troops that was pulled form the fight between kurds and turkey are now bravely "securing" the the oil fields in syria from ISIS LOL you can't teach an old dog a new trick

  41. 2147 5th Ave says:

    If this continues we will be a third world country by the end of this year. Thank you Trump supporters, your legacy is the catalyst to the enslavement of freedom and the freedom of dictatorship in America.

  42. Paul Galan says:

    Check out Hellfire Mafia lyric video JUDAS BULLET Now on YouTube

  43. cc cav says:

    Is this just more bullshit lying news ?…..

  44. gugurlqk says:

    This reminds me of our ways of politics on the balkans

  45. YouTube Moderator says:

    My butt hurts. That means I can have Noah impeached right?

  46. rick sandoval says:

    Can't wait to see you little babies cry again when TRUMP wins in 2020.

  47. spartanshateolives says:

    Pelosi: He had a meltdown, I'm praying for his health.
    Trump: No u

  48. Sosume 1 says:

    Bios, blasphemous and racist. All in the name of comedy. Sick and stupid all at the same time.

  49. Gojan gojana says:

    I do like you Trevor but once u become over on Trump; I need to tell you this "be real even if you'er pressured and lost your job and sincerity" (⌐■_■)

  50. Virginia Killebrew says:

    And every room is bugged and cameras

  51. Maria Perez says:

    trump is a joke

  52. John Doe says:

    Trump is the worst president of all time.

  53. Graham White says:

    You guys need to check the continuity of your graphics. In Trumps tweet @ 2:43 shown by the Today Show the time is listed as 5:00 pm on the 16th but then a few seconds later @ 2:49 your proprietary graphic shows the time of the tweet being 8:00 pm. On twitter the tweet is timestamped @ 5:00 pm ( making your graphic wrong. This might be a small detail but if your going to throw stones then make sure they're real. I am not making a point about anything more than withstanding journalistic integrity. Trump sucks many bags of dicks yet his presence in government is great because he is inadvertently exposing how horrible our leaders really are. He needs to go but I'm glad he was here to toss a few wrenches in the machine.

  54. stan sams says:

    He was going to host it for free dumbass. stop spreading fake news please

  55. digg dogg says:

    Dance puppet dance.
    Tool of the liberal media.

  56. Firas Francis says:

    Look is the Clown of the Democrats .. Trevo Noah Lol .. The demon rat Corruption is coming to daylight that the demon rats Democrats are so affraid they have to blame trump for their treason against the American people & this country ..

  57. Mark Spence says:

    TRUMP should respond to all critics with this: "Yo momma, yo daddy, yo greasy granny got holes in her panties, gotta a big behind like Frankenstein, go beep beep beep down Sesame Street." LOL

  58. themetal says:

    It's time for a march on Washington demanding 45's impeachment and removal from our Whitehouse. Who's in? Bring your pitch forks and torches. If you know what I mean….

  59. Betty Lonv says:

    Like WELCOME TO BED BUG HOTEL!! Proof of lawsuit is available on request!!! And this russian asset ignorant idiot oh the Kurds are happy Syria is happy Turkey is happy and Putin loves me again for giving him land that wasnt his to begin with. And American soldiers guarding the oil in Syria for WHO???

  60. Robert Hartford says:

    Lightning round, huh?
    Wait till the Main Event, brought to you by John Henry Durham.

  61. Isaiah Woods says:

    never going to give you up never going to let you down never going to turn around and desert you

  62. Arturas Milasius says:

    dont say they trying to protect Trump PROPERTIES in Turkey 😀

    NOT 1 BUT TWO 😀

    well , we dont need to get close to , shut the SHITERS in a trump resorts 😀 we can be miles away From G7 to make you Comfortably 😀 uncomfortable 😀 we working on a plan how to reduce the SUN generated heat ! 😀 so the comfort paying golf would be more lets say BREZZe 😀

  63. Arturas Milasius says:

  64. Rachel Tucker says:

    Why does he always yell? Jesus, so abrasive. I cant listen for more than a few seconds

  65. Joshua Morriston says:

    How is this crazy shit even real? I bet Trump's already made a deal to get the movie rights.

  66. Karac Hecox says:

    Wait. WHO killed Epstien?

  67. Eden says:

    C'mon, BENEDICT-DONALD says goofy shit like this on purpuse to make people go Hmm? A great day for civilization, what does that mean??? The turk ceasfire is good for a kalahari bushman, on a daily hunt… IT MEANS ABLSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ANYBODY WHO WOULD SELL THEIR CHILDREN INTO PROVERBIAL PROSTITUTION FOR THE LAST DROP OF ARAB OIL.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA, HE IS SUCH A CLOWN. I'm going to miss that. But obama showed us you can be a good president and be funny and entertaining. You don't have to be a tirant to get a laugh or get media spotted.

  68. anthony gitau says:

    Mick Mulvaney – "an excel spreadsheet came to life"

  69. XR3Y 187 says:

    trevor why are u making fun of spanish people …i have seen several of ur shows and u seem to think that all spanish people are cleaners or something….go fk ur self

  70. GGR TheMostGodless says:

    At this pace, Trump will be out of office by the time they finally are able to impeach him… all they are doing is making noise, and he swaths it off like so many flies!!

    They been saying it's building up for YEARS now.

    Impeach this SOB or let him be, because if you cannot do it, YOU look that much worse, he only has a year left in office, hopefully, but if you cannot pull this off, he will be there for another four years!!

  71. Erik SV says:

    "in a war that he basically started" ……ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

  72. wivuyao says:

    Best president ever!

  73. Virgle DeBord says:


  74. Kay Omholt-Montague says:

    The only reason Drumpf ran for POTUS is because he was going broke and he needed the money he would get – primarily through exposure to Americans. Most of us didn't believe it was even possible for him to win the office of POTUS.

    Well, we were all wrong. That is a lesson from which we should learn and remember. If Biden is the nominee, Drumpf WILL win a second term in office.

  75. J H Jay says:

    It’s funny how America is more worried about Syria and the Middle East instead of worrying about themselves and this pedo president.

  76. Little Politician says:


  77. Alex Ramírez says:

    "Basura, Basura"
    – MKS

  78. Schadia Tounkara says:

    🤣🤣🤣🤣 Donald Trump is the greatest showman ever! 😂😂😂

  79. Ismael Moctar says:

    Middle Age Harry Potter 🤣😂🤣🤣🤣 I Died twice !! Hahahahah

  80. Vegadeth says:

    Valentine's Day parody song

  81. Annie S. says:

    "basura, basura" LOL

  82. Annie S. says:

    We need to have term limits for how long you can be in Washington, not just particular positions. It's foolish for us to think that just because someone switches positions they will develop new ideas.

  83. Paul co says:

    You know that the media puts our presidents in office for this exact reason they knew this was going to happen they knew they were going to have 24-hour a day news on on a dirty president yes the media is corrupt but that doesn't excuse what's going on in the White House

  84. Fran Tackle says:

    booooom the entire ground felt like it lifted three feet off the ground. Jeff fell back into my arms I pirouetted us back away from the shoreline as shrapnel on fire fell from the sky. Almost all the towns people fighting the 3 headed beast had been stunned by the blast , giving it time to secrete those crab like entity's . There working faster this time stitching up its wounds I noticed in the reflection of a burnt out trucks side mirror. Grabbing Jeff's arms we spin furiously until I launch him 30 feet towards the original start of our challenge. The ladies started getting back to the feet , well aware awake knowing the beast was healing we all unconsciously leaped towards the beast all at once. I hand sprung off the trucks cab , Jeff matrixed off the churro cart grabbing the umbrella as a marypoppin spear, all the towns women and children grabbed fishing nets , knives, broken bottles, and machetes . But …….. magnetic propulsion is the future of all our energy needs when used in the correct manner wtfu movement

  85. Lucid says:

    Maybe 2012 was not the day the world would end but the beginning of the end

  86. Alex Adams says:

    Pete buttigieg why not

  87. Suzette Figgs says:

    Thanks for breaking it all down for the rest of us.

  88. Suzette Figgs says:

    We all do it all the time. Get over it. You don't hear from much from mulvaney anymore. Lol

  89. Sophia Winnett says:

    Impeach Trump and Pence.

  90. Prince Rahming says:

    Why is an African from a zhithole Country again speaking against our President and not speaking on the zhithole Presidents of Africa?

  91. Erika Ibañez says:

    Are you going to report about the Human right violations in Chile!!! consequence of the disastrous Milton Friedman economical system that creates income inequality and all the elites praise as the best and even gave him a Noble price in economy. That system that Chileans were the example of the hole sudamerica continent and it result to be a disaster.

  92. Kim says:

    This must be the best episode ever of the Daily Show – telling the truth with a charming smile – pure gold

  93. Old Boy says:


  94. briejoana. says:

    This episode is grandios in that Mr. Noah calls out in the most "clear as water – ways", what one party wants to call a farce !!!

  95. Janjounn 112 says:

    Can someone explain what happened in this video?

  96. Curse Heart says:

    Trump would sneak into your room to grab you by the pussy.

  97. Cafani's EASMR says:

    Ur show is so bad. Would rather watch paint dry

  98. Kol Kata says:

    I actually support Donald Trump in pulling out of Syria. Turkey was going to invade Syria any way after all if turkey didn't it will become the next syria in which 20-30% of turkish population is kurdish and most importantly pro kurdish faction got 8 seats in the previous election. It is actually a fight for life and death for turkey which actually was created by US.

  99. Caly Cassidy says:

    He ownes it so he should let them br there for free.he braggs how rich his fat ass is.

  100. Prince Rahming says:


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